The poorest excuse

Even though that sometimes I have all the reasons in the world to give up on something, I will never do such thing. And even though I give up, it will be the same old story, I will always hold back.

Making decisions are the most painful part for me. The part I agonized the most. For I know that since I was a kid, I cannot stand on for my own decisions. I always cling on the other person’s decision or I will always have the thought in mind that what I have decided was not the best thing to do and was not the best thing for me. Hesitance always blocks my way. I will always think twice, thrice, and so many times until I get tired of thinking and throw away the purpose of that decision making. It has been always like this. No concrete thing in mind and nothing in mind to settle on.

Some says it was sort of cool, for you have all the power in the world to choose in the time you want to choose, to go if you want to go and leave in the time you want to leave. No plans at all. In a snap, what happens, happened. It’s quite easy for your self also. But there will always be the word, R E G R E T. And maybe that’s what the big reason behind of my disdained attitude towards decision making. I’m afraid to have regret for the things that I’ve decided to do. I don’t want to blame myself for whatever is the outcome of my decision. Its part of my defense mechanism I think.

And unfortunately, until this time I cannot address on this kind of malfunctioning in my mental aspect. It felt like all the neurons in my mind talked to each other then conspired to be like this forever. Hahah! Funny, but I think true. :DD This is the poorest excuse for what I'm doing,but it's still true.