Infected

I feel useless right at this moment. Seeing these people around me, of what they are doing, of what they have achieved, of what they have, of where they belong, I feel so small and worthless.

Recalling those hundreds of opportunities that I just let to pass my way, the time that I wasted on for nothing, a lot of money that I spent for useless things – all of these are summoned and are haunting me right now.

All the bad luck that I am experiencing, it really drives me fucking crazy! It feels like I am a discontented shit head slash schizophrenic of my generation. And I really pity myself for that.

Truly that human like me do not have any sense of contentment in her inner being. Despite of what I got and have, I still feel like this. I always wanted more of the most that I can do and have. I always wanted to get anything that I think that I want to have.

I don’t know.
I guess that my private demon is awoken and making me like this. He’s starting to eat my sense of contentment and make my direction hopeless. He’s threatening me and I felt fear for the first time in my life. Fear that I cannot go back in my usual way of thinking.
Sometimes I want to believe that I’m starting to be a lunatic finding her way in her sacred asylum.
But for the sake of my self’s integrity. I stop myself to fall on that conclusion. No one’s destined to fall right? And for now, the least thing that I can think of right now is I’m on a travel, on an astral travel… clinging on a thread to go back to reality.
This absurd thing made me smile… so I’ll stop.