Put the blame on me

I could not believe that it will hurt this much. All this time, I believed that I'm keeping myself intact to the boundaries that I forbid myself to cross. But I have failed.

I had gave up my heart in a way that I did not notice that I'm giving it in. I fell too fast that I did not manage to keep up.

I thought everything we have as a friend will end up to something new and wonderful.
But he's not in the same boat that I'm riding.
All this time, I am alone- thinking that he's also there with me.

I reach for the paddle and swing it to the fullest, but I cannot move on. It felt like he became the water that keeps me going. And without him, I cannot move.

The pain was too strong that I cannot help but cry and break down.
And the worst thing is, I am the one to be blame.
For I am the one who expect more,
the one who waited,
the one who does not realized I am just an ordinary person to him.
A friend. No more, no less
And the one who thought that his sweetness can mean something and never thought that it can also mean nothing. Just being sweet.

I cannot be like her.
I will never be. But deep inside of my fragile being. I wish I can.
And I wish that I knew about her.
But why in the world that he doesn't bother to tell me about it?
Why only now?
Now that I have stumbled and fell.

Sadly. After that these all have been said.
I cannot do anything about it.
But at least, I can always go back to the box that I'd live before I met him.
To the time that all that matters to me is myself.

Now, it's a must for me to surpass all of these inferiorities without him knowing.
He will never know how much I adored, liked, dreamt, needed and love him-ALL THIS TIME.
NEVER.