As if I can relate?

You can tell if that person is someone special because no matter what kind of mood you are in he/she can always manage to make you smile.

Bye February

This week has been a dreadful week for me. I lost my boyfriend, skipped class for 2 days, got drunk for 3 consecutive days, got a hard time finding companies wherein I can apply for a summer job or for an internship program, and now, bombarded with a lot of paper works to do that should be submitted next week.

But as this dreadful week comes to its end, I still have that one sinister smile in my face. Life fucks us all, but who cares? :) As long as you keep your feet on the ground, strongly standing every storm that passed you by. You will always end up winning. Heartbreaks and failures are always there. You’ll stumble and fall but those things are not important, what matters most is the way you handle those things and how you push your self to stand up again. And blah blah blah blah. :) This is how my February ends.

A poem written especially for me

Life does not end

when circumstances change,

when relationship fail,

when people leave, when hearts break;

wjen someone stops loving you

(or refuses to love you in the first place)


Sunny skies mock cloudy eyes

it is this cold, cruel incongruity

between us that hurts the most

I just want to make it through

I just want to make it

stop, they say it’s okay to pause

sometimes, but I badly need to

fast-forward to myself again

Hate is much easier to control than sympathy and concern and love.

With hate, you just let it shoot off into random directions, with sympathy and concern and love, you have to find the right target, and you have to know why you are sympathizing, or being concerned, or choosing to love.

Hate was all intuition and gut feel; love meant you had to take responsibility for your emotions and be careful not to give too much.

HINDI MO MASISISI ANG ISANG TAONG NAGMAMAHAL KUNG NAG-EEXPECT AT NAG AASSUME SIYA.

Dahil kapag nagmahal ka, nandon na yung need at want na mahalin ka rin ng taong mahal mo. Lahat ng good at positive side nakikita mo. At duon ka nagkicling which result to expectations. There’s no wrong to expect to someone especially when that someone has given you so many reasons to expect. Assuming comes when you took that reasons for granted. You overlook those reasons which gives you a drive to expect more, to assume more and put your self in the verge of falling too deep. And when the time comes that what you expect never happened, you rant and get hurt. Don’t took all the blame, you just choose what you knew was right, you just fell in love. And there’s nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is, maybe, your concept about love. On how love works, and the definition of love itself. In the process wherein you fell too hard for him, do you ever think about yourself? Have you ever love yourself?

Love yourself first. And know the concept of “too much” is not always good.

A quote from Tumblr

I tried to move on. I really did. I tried to tell myself that you don’t want me and I can’t have you anymore. I tried so hard, but how can you let go of the only person who makes you happy? The only person who makes you feel alive? The only reason you’re still here? You just can’t let go of someone like that.

Dos

Parang kulang ang isang kwento.
Kelangang dagdagan!


Unang pasok sa eskwela, medyo inaantok antok pa paggising sa umaga. Alas Kwatro ba naman eh kelangan mo ng ipagkait sa sarili mo ang karapatan para matulog at kelangan mo ng mag-ayos para pumasok sa paaralan.

Oo gusto kong pumasok, pero ayaw kong mag-aral.
Gusto ko lang yung isipin na magbyahe tas may baon. Natural na yon.
Normal para sa isang estudyanteng laspag na sa araw-araw ba naming school burdens.

Daig pa ang sardines ng bus na nasakyan ko. Konting galaw ay may domino effect na mangyayare. Kung tutuusin ay maikli lamang ang byahe, pero kapag hindi ka komportable sa kinauupuan o pag minalas eh kinatatayuan mo, parang sa bawat hinto ng bus ay gusto mo ng bumaba.

Nakarating ako ng paaralan ng matiwasay. 10 minuto na lang at bell na. Hindi ako nagmadali. Para pa kong super model na naglakad sa dalawang kantong nilakaran ko papunta sa sintang paaralan. Masarap kasing lasapin ang hangin, nakakatuwa rin pagmasdan ang repleksyon ng pula kong buhok sa mga salamin ng mga sasakyang nadaraanan at nakakasalubong ko.

4 na oras ang ginugol ko sa klase.
At pagkatapos non, sinamahan ko siyang tumayo sa national bookstore ng almost one hour. Wala, nakatayo lang. Nagbabasa ron. Ako naglalaro ng gameboy niya. Ansarap sa paa, parang parusa. Hindi naman bawal umupo, pero syempre nakakahiya. Tahimik lang siya – hindi natural sa kanya yon. Nag insist ako ng marameng beses ng isang conversation, pero bale wala. Kakarampot ang mga salitang binitiwan niya.

Lumipas ang mga minuto, masakit pa rin ang paa ko.
“Papasok na ko.” Yan ang sabi niya.
Hala sige lakad na naman papalabas, sa may bukana ng entrance ng National Bookstore, hayun naglalakad ang babaeng tinitibok ng puso niya. Sinalubong ako ng simangot habang ako’y walang kaplastikan na ngumiti, well kasi wala naman ako magagawa eh di ngiti na lang.

I stood there for a few seconds, watching them as they held their hands and talk to each other. At ako? Wala. Smile pa rin. Lumakad kami. At sa paglabas ng national, “Uuwi na ko…” sabi ko. Tuloy tuloy lang siya. Tuloy tuloy lang din ako, at sa inaasahan lumingon ako, lumingon din siya, ngumiti at nagsambit sa hangin ng “buhbye!” with matching wave pa. Sinuklian ko ng ngiti yon. At patuloy na naglakad papuntang sakayan.

Anong kulang sa kwento ko?
Emosyon. Sa eksenang dapat nasasaktan ako’y tila nakalimutan kong masaktan.
Nung pasakay nga ako ng jeep with slow motion effect naisip ko, “ay nakalimutan kong masaktan!” Seryoso! No joke. Walang biro. Naisip ko yon. Ewan ko ba, Sa byahe hinanap ko sa puso ko yung sakit, ingget at selos, pero wala. Tila wala na talaga kong maramdam. Peron g makatanggap ako ng text message galling sa simangot girl na nagsasabing,

“Buhbye chex. Cza to :D”

Nainis, naimbyerna at napikon ako. Pero dahil sa nakaupo ako’t nasa bus na aircon, mahinahon kong tinanggap yon. Masyadong maganda ang ambience para masira lang ng isang text message. Inisip ko na lang. Pasensya. Patience. Be a good friend. At ayun, inantok ako kakaisip non. Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko, at sa kadiliman ay hinarap ko na naman ang realidad na kahit anong gawin ko, kahit anong pasensya pa ang ibigay ng Diyos sa akin, hanggang dito na lang kami ng tinuring kong best friend. Hindi na kami babalik sa dati kung ano man kami. Kung anong harot, sweet. Hindi na mababalik yon, wala na. Para kaming parallel lines, na kahit anong extend namen para sa isa’t isa, hindi naman kami magmeemeet sa kahit anong point. Nakakalungkot. Oo inaamin ko, naramdaman ko na yung sakit na hinihintay kong pumalaot saken kanina pa, andito na ang karagatan na unti unti na naman akong lulunurin hanggang malunod ako. Hindi na ata mawawala, siguro’y nakakalogtaan ko na lang na nasasaktan nap ala ko pero mas pinili kong wag intindihin. Pero lahat ng bagay nagwawakas, lahat ng tao nagbabago, pati ang role nito sa kwento mo. Maaring yung dati mong kaaway maging best friend mo, o vice versa, o kaya yung dati mong best friend maging minor character na lang sa story line mo.

Nagbago, Nasaktan, pero sana sa huli kami pa rin ang magkasama.
Wala ng paghahangad para sa mas mataas na lebel, wala ng pag-aasam sa isang malayong pag-ibig na hindi maabot pero atleast, nandon pa rin yung “kame”.