From France

http://scenichero.multiply.com/journal/item/5/RAISA_THIS_IS_YOUR_LIFE_taaaanan

"Her name is RAISA DELA CRUZ,
and i like to impart and share my life with you, how "WE" have been.
since we knowned here in MULTIPLY, it's good that i blog here.

we started as friendster/multiply friend
but i never notice her that much, until we first seen each other at trinoma with my friends
and i have this second look at her and that's were i decided to date her.
at first, i dated her thru text (i know it's low but its a start), suprisingly she was just a street away from my home and that makes me eager to love her.

but here is where it get ugly..
on OCTOBER 13, 2008 (MONDAY) she supposed to be going back to her second home in Lagro, she said she wants me to ride her back to the terminal but sooner canceled because her dad will take part of my duty, i replied "ok", i didn't come to my class so i decided to go to MEGA that day.. ISNA txted me that she has a suprise to me and that makes me eager to go to mega and in to my suprise Raisa was there. i said "Bakit ka nandito?" she just replied nothing and puff! like im nothing to her. She even likes to talk to her friends rather than me and i said to myself "Di dapat ganito?" so i asked her what's the problem.. "Wala!, Wag moko guluhin" she answered. i was stunned! that's where my badtrip starts to grow until the end of the day, we didn't speak like we we're ghosts.

So i thinked that the next day will be fine, so i text her but she's still on that same emotion, but she replies this time. At first she said sorry and we're to blamed those kind of texts but she just text "TANTANAN MO NAKO, OK?" thru her GM, i ask her "anung problema?" then "Wag mo ko guluhin, marami akong dapat unahin!" then another GM stunned me "KANINO BAKO PEDENG MAKI-TULOG? AT HINDI IKAW PUPUNTAHAN KO SA CUERDAS, SILA!" from that day on i never texted her as so my love for her vanishes..

days passed.. (here's the part where CHESKA gets INVOLED)
HISTORY about CHESKA and I:
MU for 1week, we been lovers for only 2days to be exact,
i was a complete idiot for what i did and say sorry to cheska and she understands.

i always check my multi twice a week and hear some rumors of "SIRAAN sa BLOG"
yes, im used to those kind of things and i really think that's LOW.
and in my surprise is this! CLICK ME

i mean.. what the fuck was that? and what she's trying to prove?
at first, i promise to ISNA (isna is one of my bestfriend) not to do some unworthy things until she do something again. i agreed.

then it starts to get closer and now thru GMs in my phone.
(i still have Raisa's contact and i receive her GMs as well Cheska, selected GM to be exact)
and wondered what's up with this two and talked first with Cheska.

Y!M CONVERSATION WITH CHESKA (October 27, 2008)
iskantarium: Good afternoon.
scenichero.wantsrevenge: hey! :3
iskantarium: Hi france
scenichero.wantsrevenge: sorry mejo busy kasi
iskantarium: Thats okay.
scenichero.wantsrevenge: soory
iskantarium: Im not sad about that.
iskantarium: Its about something else.
iskantarium: Raisa's getting on my nerves France.
iskantarium: Nakakainis na.
scenichero.wantsrevenge: confront her
iskantarium: Ginawa ko na.
iskantarium: Minura lang niya ko.
iskantarium: Ang sayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
iskantarium: Tinatanong ko sya, d nman ako nireplyan eh.
iskantarium: Ang huling text nya sken.
iskantarium: "........(TGNAN MO KUNG ANONG NGYARE!"
iskantarium: i forgot yung umpisa eh. ayun.
scenichero.wantsrevenge: anu ba problema nun?
iskantarium: ABA'Y EWAN KO?
iskantarium: Sabi ko nga sakanya
iskantarium: "Is it all about France?"
iskantarium: sbi nya, "No, its all about you."
scenichero.wantsrevenge: problema nya?
iskantarium: E d ko naman sya kinakausap. Kasi d nman kami close. My Gooodddddd
iskantarium: Tas ask ko nga sya kung ano gnwa ko sakanya.. Tas un na yung sabi niya sakin. Yung tgnan ko daw ngyare.
scenichero.wantsrevenge: inaway ko kagabi yun, pinabura ko pa contacts ko sknya
iskantarium: Ano ngyare?
iskantarium: Bat mo inaway?
scenichero.wantsrevenge: you have nothing to do with it
iskantarium: Oh okay. But can I know who's fault is it?
scenichero.wantsrevenge: i dunno
scenichero.wantsrevenge: either
scenichero.wantsrevenge: talk to you later
iskantarium: Aw.
scenichero.wantsrevenge: g2g
iskantarium: Oh sure
iskantarium: Okay okay!
iskantarium: Thanks 4 d time,
scenichero.wantsrevenge: bsta pinagsabihan ko sya, dont worry
scenichero.wantsrevenge: ttyl
iskantarium: Thank you Thank you
iskantarium: Ano yung ttyl n yan
iskantarium: Oh gets ko na
iskantarium: HAHAH
scenichero.wantsrevenge: talk to you later
iskantarium: Okay.
scenichero.wantsrevenge has signed out.
-------------------------------------

then on my un-BIAS part, i talked to Raisa about this:

Y!M CONVERSATION (OCTOBER 26, 2008)
raisadelacruz: bt mo pnabura ung number mo?
scenichero.wantsrevenge: i have to.
raisadelacruz: arte mo
scenichero.wantsrevenge: eh anu pang sense?
scenichero.wantsrevenge: di naman tayo naguusap
scenichero.wantsrevenge: gm lang ng gm.
scenichero.wantsrevenge: hindi maarte yun
raisadelacruz: bat dii mo ko kausapen?
raisadelacruz: nahihiya ka?
scenichero.wantsrevenge: hah..
raisadelacruz: andito ko 10th
raisadelacruz: wala lang
raisadelacruz: never mind
scenichero.wantsrevenge: why are you saying to me..
scenichero.wantsrevenge: *that
raisadelacruz: just to inform you
scenichero.wantsrevenge: ok
raisadelacruz: magsama kayo ni cheska.
raisadelacruz: ok?
scenichero.wantsrevenge: whatda?
scenichero.wantsrevenge: di ko sya kinakausap. only online
scenichero.wantsrevenge: and why would you bother pa?
scenichero.wantsrevenge: alam mo kung galit ka dun sa tao, do you have to ruin someone's social life pa? di ba over na yun?
scenichero.wantsrevenge: and if ur thinking na KAMI paden, ur wrong.
raisadelacruz has signed out.
-----------------------------------

I figured what's the sense of being so exaggerated.
and exactly i noticed these comments in FS.

THIS WAS A COMMENT FROM RAISA TO ISNA (OCTOBER 27, 2008 - 8:54pm)
*ISNA has nothing to do here, just a clarification*

"Saan tayo gagala? :3
Punta naman tayo samen dun sa Lagro.
Kain tayo SHAWARMA.
Hehe. Sama natin sila Xao ska si Dad. (Yea Dad)
Libre ko. :DD
Kaso andito ko sa 10th malapit kela France. LMAO.
Putangna nung dalawang yun si Cheska ska sya, pinagkakampihan ako.
Parang tanga."

*then this add to her reply comment* (9:14pm)

"Hindi ko na nga pinapakelaman eh.
Kaso nababadtrip ako ginagatungan yung mga stat messages ko sa Y!M eh. Dang."
----------------------------------

Yup! her stats was "May bago akong contacts. Okay!"
my stats is "Wula akong paki, Okay?"
WHY THUS SHE REACT TO ME LIKE AN ENEMY?
ME AND CHESKA HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER?

and this conversation just happen seconds ago, before i made this BEAUTIFUL BLOG!
:))

Y!M CONVERSATION (OCTOBER 28, 2008)
scenichero.wantsrevenge: Kaso andito ko sa 10th malapit kela France. LMAO. Putangna nung dalawang yun si Cheska ska sya, pinagkakampihan ako. Parang tanga.
scenichero.wantsrevenge: anu yan!
scenichero.wantsrevenge: di ko nga kinakausap yang si cheska eh!
scenichero.wantsrevenge: kwento mo oy! ayusin mo naman pag-intindi mo.
scenichero.wantsrevenge: wula akong kinakampihan.
raisadelacruz: woo
raisadelacruz: magsama kayong dalawa ni cheska
raisadelacruz: basta ako mananahimik na lang ako
raisadelacruz has signed out.

in my conclusion: SHE'S REPLUSIVE AND SHORT-UNEXPLORED MINDED AND A VERY VERY LOW AND NARROW FEELINGS, She doesn't care if she hurts someone on the way and no time to think if it's wrong or right, in tagalog "BANAT LANG NG BANAT"
(This is just a matter of self-expression and has no sense to be a HATE BLOG, *makitid lang ang utak mo kung inicip mong paninira nanaman toh*)

NOW.. YOU!
What do you think? replies and reactions are respectfully entertained. :D"

Nagpapasalamat ako kay France sa blog na to, kasi kahit papano bumait naman ang tingin sakin ng mga tao diba? Hehehe! Yown lang.

II. Hinaharap

Lalaki.

Ang araw na ito'y walang pinagkaiba sa mga nakaraan. Pumasok sa iskwela, maglakad sa eskinitang puro tambay na walang habas sa pag-inom at paninigarilyo ang makikita, at makipagkita kung kaninong kaibigan man ang pwede. Ganito lang ang buhay na kinalakihan ko-Simple. Ni bisyo ay wala ako. Siguro'y para na rin sa aking sarili ang desisyong iyon, para sa ikabubuti ko. Ganoon ako lumaki, natutong bumuo ng sariling prinsipyo sa buhay, at natutung tugunan ito.
Sa hinaba haba ng panahon na ako'y nabuhay, sa dinamiraming pagsubok ang napagdaan, ngayon ko lang natunton kung ano man ang dapat kong hanapin. Isang babaing malawak ang pag-iisip.

Agosto noon, sabay kaming naglalakad pauwi. Hawak ko ang kanyang kamay. Tahimik siya, at hindi ganoon ang pagkakakilala ko sa kanya. Noong oras na iyon ay parang gusto ko ng magpanik, dahil sinusundot na ako ng sarili kong konsensya. Hinayaan ko kasi siyang mapalapit sa akin ng hindi pa niya ako nakikilala ng lubos. At hindi niya alam-- na may iba ako. Niloloko ko siya.

Nag-usap kami ng diretsyuhan, ako ang nagsalita, kinain ako ng sarili kong galit at ang pinagtataka ko, siya ay malumanay pa rin. Kakaiba yun sa aking pagtingin kaya ako ay lalong sumiklab. Nasaktan ko siya sa katotohanang sinambit ko. At kasaysayan na lang ang lahat sa amin. Ganoon kami nagtapos.


Halos dalawang buwan na ang nakakalipas, balik sa normal ang pamumuhay ko. Marami akong nakilala at sa isang dalagita'y napalapit ako. Normal na lang sa akin ang pagiging malambing sa isang kaibigan. Ngunit iba siya, gusto ko siya. Ngunit alam kong hanggang duon na lang muna. Pinagtibay ko kung ano man ang relasyong namuo sa amin, na ang alam ko'y pagkakaibigan. Dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na nililigawan ko siya-at yun na lang muna yon. Ngunit ang hindi ko maintindihan ay ang pagiging malapit niya sa akin ng sobra. Alam kong pareho kami ng nararamdaman sa isa't isa, ngunit ayokong magmadali. Unti-unti muna. Gusto kong kilalanin niya muna ko.

Pero dumating ang oras na tila'y lumagpas na sa limitasyon ang kung ano mang ugnayan namin para sa kanya. Umasa sya ng sobra. At ang sobrang iyon ay nakakasakit. Nakakasakal. Marami siyang sinabi, at hindi ko alam ang dahilan. Marami siyang pinupunto, ngunit hindi ko maintindihan. Ayoko siyang sisihin sa kung ano man ang nangyayare at sa mga ginagawa niya ngayon. Dahil alam ko-kasalanan ko rin. Hinayaan ko siyang umasa. Umasa sa akin, at umasa sa kung ano man ang binuo at binubuo pa lang sana namin.

Ang nakaraan ko pala ang nagbigay daan sa kanya upang maging ganoon. Ngunit hindi ko pa rin maintindihan. Nawala na siya sa akin. At mas nakilala ko pa siya ng lubos. Ang sakit. Dahil ang akala ko'y pag gumawa ako ng paraan para maipakilala muna sa kanya ang aking sarili ay mapapabuti ang lahat, ngunit ng nalantad na sa kanya ang nakaraan ko'y tila minasama niya ang lahat. Ang masaklap pa dito'y nadamay pa ang iba at masama na ang tingin sa akin ng maraming tao. Totoong walang magandang patutunguhan.


Nabigyan ako ng pagkakataon upang makausap ang babae sa nakaraan. Nagtataka siyang lumapit sa akin sa nabalitaan niyang gusot-dahil kasali siya. Nag-usap kami ng maayos. Pinaliwanag ko sa kanya lahat, sinambit ko lahat ang sakit at panghihinayang na naramdaman ko. Inunawa niya ko at tinulungang unawain ang lahat pati na rin ang aking sarili. Pinilit niya kong ngumiti. At sa ngayon, unti unti na akong umuusad sa hinaharap kasama ang bagong ako..

I. Kasalukuyan

Ang Babae

Isinilang ako labinglimang taon na ang nakakalipas. Namuhay sa isang normal na pamayanan, nag-aaral sa magandang paaralan. Hinayaan kong malantad ang aking pagkatao sa isang mundong akala ko'y nababagay ako. Sa mundo na akala ko'y makakakita ng isang tunay na mamahalin. Nakilala ko siya, mga dalawang buwan na ang nakakalipas. Una ay normal lang kaming magkaibigan, ng bigla na lang umusbong ang isang pakiramdam na hindi ko mapangalanan kung ano.

Natatakot akong baka hindi ganoon ang tingin niya sa akin, ngunit pinabulaanan niya iyon. Pinakita niyang pareho kami ng nararamdaman.Masaya ako. Nagkikita kami, kumakain ng sabay at kung ano ano pa. Nung una'y hinahayaan kong manghula ang mga kaibigan ko sa mga mensaheng ipinapadala ko sa kanila. Masaya ang ganoong pakiramdam, na parang ang lahat ay may pakiaalam sa akin, may pakiaalam kung sino man ang kasama ko at kung para kanino man ang mensaheng ipinapadala ko.

Dumating din ang araw na tinawag kong "monthsary" namin. Pero maski sa sarili ko'y hindi ko alam kung matatawag ba itong "monthsary". Hindi ko alam ang lagay naming dalawa. Basta ako'y isang bata na naghahangad ng iba pa sa kanyang pinapakita. Ngunit dumating ang araw na kami ay hindi magkaintindihan. Kung ano anong rason ang aking naiisip upang awayin siya. May nakilala kasi akong isang babae. Isang babae na naging bahagi rin ng kanyang buhay.

Ang babaeng iyon ay mas nauna sa akin sa kanya. Nabigyan din naman ako ng oras para kausapin ang nasabing babae. Ngunit sa bawat salitang namutawi sa bibig nya na pagkukwento, ay iba ang naiisip ko. Hindi maganda ang kinalabasan ng kung ano mang relasyon nila. At parang isang kumunoy na unti unti akong hinahatak ng selos at ng kung ano man.

Umusbong ang paranoya sa aking katawan. Kung ano ano ang naiisip ko. Ngayon tuloy nagsimulang masira ang relasyon binubuo pa lang namin. Ngayon, wala na kaming komunikasyon. Hindi na kami nag-uusap. Galit ako sa kanya. At hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit. Ngunit mas galit ako sa aking sarili at sa mga bagay na ginagawa ko.

Sinupla ko ang babaeng dati niyang nakaniig. Gumawa ako ng isang bagay na ikakasira nilang dalawa. Isang bagay na mismong aking sarili walang maibigay na rason kung bakit. Ngunit kahit ganoo'y ginagawa ko pa rin, dahil ayokong tanggapin sa aking sarili na ako mismo ang mali. Na ako mismo ang nagbigay dahilan kung bakit kami nagkaganito. At ang lahat ng ito'y walang makakaalam. Lalaban akong sarili lamang ang dala. At ang mga susunod na kabanata, ay bahala na...





----------------
This story is triggered and insipred by this:
htt://hudiokalemwa.multiply.com/journal
Its really not my story to tell, but since she involved me. I took the advantage to make an article behind this.


"Hindi lahat ng nababasa mo, totoo."

Buhbye Jojo!

This is Jonathan "Big J" Bulaon.
He's one of my blockmates in UST.
Ayun, lilipat na siya ng school at super sad kaming lahat. Hindi lang kasi sa pagiging funny at talented(pianonist kase sya! HAHA! joke lang. Pianist yan) niya yung aalis, syempre mamimiss namin yung friend namin.

Waaah! Jonathan! Wag ka na lumipat ng school.
Wala na kong kaaway! HAHAHH!!
Si Jojo lang kase yung my sense ko na kaaway eh, take note pag nagsasagutan kami, lines mula sa soap opera na "Iisa Lamang" ang mga banat namin. Syempre sinusubaybayan namin yun, at nakakbisa yung mga lines. Sya si Catherine, ako si Isadora ay si Dada si Scarlet. Si kaypee, extra. :)) HAHHHA!!


Grabe. MAMIMISS ko talag si Big J with the Big No No!
College is one of the best thing that happened to me, and he's one who made my college the best. so pag lumipat sya, mangungulila ako. Syempre kaming lahat din. :(

Iloveyou Jojo! Keep in touch! :)
God Bless hmmkay?

Unfortunate

How come that you are not contented on what you have? For what you received? And Why are you asking for more?


Think about it..

Bittersweet

"Fantasy Jun 27, '08 3:28 AM
for everyone
It was a plain night. Andeven in my wildest dream, I can never really think of this can happened. We treat each other as strangers whenever there are people around us but deep in our hearts, there's something really in between.

A simple sight can mean a hundred words.
That's how exagge it is :)

It was a plaaaiin night, I hang out with a set of friends, laughs and giggle with them. But because of the desire to take some shot, we decided to go somewhere out there. But unfortunately, most of them are not "capable" for that night. :|

"She" had to go home early, so I was left with my stranger.
At first, I dunno what to say and what to act even that we have shared a lot way back then. Its different now, because it's been "sold" to others..

We need each other,
Im ineed of a friend,
so he talked to me.
it was cold, so we hug.
the intamacy rises so we kiss.

I can't sleep, but he gave me reason that I have to.
He held me close to his arms, assuring me that he's never gonna let go..

As the morning start to gaze in, I know that the end is soon :|
The stranger should go back to the reality, and so was I.

He never leave me alone..
Even we part ways as the sun rises, I know he's still there. :)
For the mesages he left and the messages I received from him after it :)


It was a fantasy come into life :)
And I guess, It will never happen again because of certain conditions :|
But what matters most is, we shared something that is worth for a lifetime :))"



"Now I'm screaming I'm shouting I can't hear a thing
My eyes burn and blister I can't feel the pain
I don't know why I'm here
I don't know why I'm here"
-Emily (Paraluman)


How those memories start to lingers on and on. Im having a hard time convincing myself to stop thinking about him and for what we've shared. Especially that night.
Everything is stuck on my mind. EVERYTHING~


"Magkasuyo buong gabi..
Masayang magkatabi..
Magkayakap sa buong magdamag..."

That lyrics struck me the most. It simply explains everything. As in. God! If he only knew how hard for it for me to go on.. if he only knew what he did to me...For how it affected me. For he was so very unusual to find. Im longing for him. I really do...

"I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but i try not to cry
As time goes by and soon as you've reached a better place
Still I'll give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But It's like you gone too soon
No the hardest thing to do is say bye bye"
-E=mc2

San Pedro, Laguna. Past 12. Waiting for 12:30 midnight..
Sa loob ng....
"B: Teka bili muna ko yosi, sino pwede kasama?"
(Sabay tingin sken..)
"B: Ikaw na lang..."

Tumango ako. Alam kong kakausapin nya ko kung bakit ako hindi nagsasalita ng mga oras n yon. Magulo isip ko non kase. Nakalimutan ko na kung baket. Lumabas na sya at sumunod ako. Naglakad kame patungo sa naglalako ng yosi. Katulad ng dati, nsa likod nya ko. Lage nmen pinagtatalunan yon. Kung bakit daw ayaw kong sumabay sakanyang maglakad, kung bakit lage akong nasa likod...

"B: Ano bang problema mo? Bat nkasimangot ka?"
Tanong nya saken. Napakaamo ng mukha nya non. Alam kong nagaalala sya sakin. Kase nung nasa 7elven pa lng kme tinatanong n nya ko kung bakit, kahit paiwas ang sagot ko..
"C: Wala.."
Ang blanko ng sagot ko. Alam ko...
Inaasahan ko n kung ano ang sagot nya..
"B: Wala pero ganyan ka. Napapraning ka nanaman..."
Sabi ko n nga ba eh.. Yun ang sasabihin nya. Lage nya sinasabi yo eh. Dahil don, napangiti ako. Nakarating kame sa nagtitinda... Hindi ko n narinig kung ano man ang sinabi nya sa tindera kase busy ako sa pagtetext.. Tumalikod sa ale n nagtitinda ng yosi. Humarap saken..
"B: Ngumiti ka nga.."
Ssbay suntok ng mahina. Suntok na alam kong pagpapahiwatig ng utos, ng sakit at dillemang nararamdaman nya pag ganon ako. Gusto nyang umayos ako.. Yun ang gusto nya palagi..


Nwala lahat ng pagkagulo sa isip ko non pagkasabi nya ng mga salitang yon.. Kahit Lage nman nya sinsabi yon sken kahit wala akong problema pinapangiti nya ko. Kahit nung magkachat kami sa YM at nkawebcam ako, pinapangiti nya ko.. Malaking bagay para sakanya ang pag ngiti. Dun ako lalong humanga sakanya.. Sa pagbibigay sa ibang tao para ngumiti...

"Been wanting to say goodbye but it leads me back to you.."
-Emily (Paraluman)


"All day long I was thinking of him. I miss him alot. I really do.. For only I have the chance to talk to him again. I will.. But I simply can't. Things aren't the same and will never be the same. I guess the best thing that I can do now is find something to spend my time on... And.... Get rid of him... Soon...

I'll try...."

Tonight I can write the saddest Lines

CREDITS: Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved him, and sometimes he loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held him in my arms
I kissed him again and again under the endless sky.

He loved me sometimes, and I loved him too.
How could one not have loved him great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have him. To feel that I have lost him.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without him.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep him.
The night is shattered and he is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.

My sight searches for him as though to go to him.
My heart looks for him, and he is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love him, that's certain, but how I loved him.
My voice tried to find the wind to his hearing.

Anothers. He will be another's. Like my kisses before.
His void. His bright body. His infinite eyes.

I no longer love him, that's certain, but maybe I love him.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long..

Because through nights like this one I held him in my arms
My soul is not satisfied that I lost him.

Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for him..


--"Her" in the original piece is change to him for the owner's sake



This one is good. It captures all the emotions within me.